Jesus Take the Wheel

Dear Ms. P. Solver,

I never thought I'd see the day I'd pimp my "special needs" kid and pregnant daughter out to gain sympathy votes for the republican party, but one thing I did learn from my beauty pageant days is you've gotta do whatever it takes to win. I know I, like McCain, am in over my head, but can you offer any tidbits of advice to help ensure that I don't become a laughing stock?

Sincerely,

Governor of the frozen Tundra

Sarah

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, (exasperated sigh)

So many issues, so little time.

I am hesitant to give you any advice that could potentially help you gain points against the best hope for this country- Barack Obama. But, since you obviously need someone's help, the first thing I'd advise you to do is tap Mrs. McCain on the shoulder and see if you can pull her away from her cornucopia of pills long enough to direct you to the nearest stylist so you and your hair can join the 21st century. Those wispy bangs and 80's banana clip updo is not the business. Get it together girl! Don't you know that you are on a 2 month job interview? So far you have done all the things an interviewee is told not to do. What does a V.P do? well if I was applying for the job, I'd sure as hell do my research! Honestly Sarah, you have disappointed us right out the gate. My advice to you for the future is to get serious. Your demeanor and insipid remarks do not inspire confidence in your ability to run the country.

BTW, while you're pimping out your kids, are you aware that the republican party is pimping you?

Signed,

Mrs. P. Solver.

No Experience Necessary

Dear Ms. P. Solver,

(Best read in an affected southern drawl)
Well, its like this Ms. P, I've got 162 days, 18 hours and 50 minutes left in office and I...I... I think I need a job. Now I don't expect to have a job as good as the one I have now; hell, I'll be lucky if I can get Daddy to hook me up after fucking up my latest endeavor. I think I'll stay away from anything to do with oil, baseball, and stocks. Shooooot..just to play it safe, I'd better stay out of politics too. You see what happened there! (chuckle) What do you think I should do?

Signed

George (yee haw!)

Dear Mr. President:
I only call you that out of respect for the title of the leader of the free world. Oh wait! were not free!! Thanks to you, the patriot act and all your free spending on a war I'm still unclear about, we are now the newest third world country mired in a dictatorship cloaked in the mask of democracy. I take my respect back. Fuck you, I'll refer to you as Georgie from here on out.
Sooo, Georgie if it hasn't already occurred to you, take your ass back to the ranch in Crawford, or the compound in Kennebunkport or wherever there is a sturdy rafter or beam and hang yourself. that's the best thing you can do for your country at this point. If for some reason you manage to fuck this up too, call Tricky Dick and arrange a hunting trip...Problem solved.
with love

Mrs. P. Solver

Politicos are celebs too.

Dear Ms. P. Solver,

I think I'm in over my head! All I wanted to do is ride on Airforce One and hear to words Mr. President. Now I am in a dead heat campaign with a brilliant, black ,wet behind the ears senator from Illinois. I really don't want this job but I can't lose to a black guy! But if I win, I will probably keel over in the first 3 months. The stress will be too much for my aged ticker to take. What should I do?

Cordially,

John

Dear Johnny boy,

You should follow your heart, (before it stops) to the nearest porch swing and sit your ass down. Have a glass of lemonade and tell war stories to the grandkids like the other senior citizens. Retire already! Your actions are reckless and disrupting the world order. Because of you, seniors around the globe are coming out of retirement with renewed gusto thinking they can change the world. Stop now and go away before the dead rise up and start running for office.

Signed,

Ms. P. Solver

New Career?

Dear Ms. P. Solver:

I just can't seem to get it together. I'm not sure if I want to be a singer or the Janis Joplin of the 21st century. Recently I've been thinking about changing careers and becoming a chemist. You see I love chemicals . I love them so much I spend all day in my lab mixing and experimenting with them. Just the other day I tried a new experiment and the results were disastrous! I ended up in the hospital and I had to pay my publicist extra to come up with a cover story on a short deadline. What shall I do? Please don't suggest rehab because I won't go go go....

with love,

Amy.

Dearest Amy,

I won't suggest rehab for you because everyone knows you have to reach your bottom before you can be helped. Unfortunately for you Ames, it looks like you bottom will be 6 feet below the surface of the earth. Since you insist on being a crackhead, I am sending you list of drugs that don't mix. Please refer to this guide the next time you rekindle your chemical romance.

Sincerely,

Ms. P. Solver.