Season 8 of American Idol is off to a bang this year as the usual suspects humiliate themselves by allowing Randy, Paula, Simon and Ms. Johnny come lately, Cara (pronounced Care-RUH) to brutally judge them. While we as an audience of millions double up with laughter, eat popcorn and text judgemental messages to all our friends, it dawned on me that we do so at the expense of some clearly clueless individuals. I know some of the contestants are there purely for their 15 minutes of fame (see shame) however, there are the others whose crestfallen face indicates they truly thought they were star material. So, for the dearly deluded, I have the following advice.
Dear Idol Contestants:
It is painfully clear that some of you don’t have true friends because if you did, we would never have the opportunity to see you embarrass yourself on national TV. Since you can’t count on friends and family to help you, Ms. P. Solver will step in and give you some tips to help you see the err of your ways. Now, In this age of technology, there is no excuse for not following these 3 simple steps.
1. Get a video camera, cell phone, tape recorder (for you old heads) or any type of recording device and sing acapella. Then listen to yourself. Tone deafness only applies while singing, not listening. After you’ve sung your song you’ll be subjected to the same torture we Americans have to listen to when we hear you. If this doesn’t work proceed to step 2
It is painfully clear that some of you don’t have true friends because if you did, we would never have the opportunity to see you embarrass yourself on national TV. Since you can’t count on friends and family to help you, Ms. P. Solver will step in and give you some tips to help you see the err of your ways. Now, In this age of technology, there is no excuse for not following these 3 simple steps.
1. Get a video camera, cell phone, tape recorder (for you old heads) or any type of recording device and sing acapella. Then listen to yourself. Tone deafness only applies while singing, not listening. After you’ve sung your song you’ll be subjected to the same torture we Americans have to listen to when we hear you. If this doesn’t work proceed to step 2
2. Go stand on busy street corner and sing. If people start giving you any of the following looks:
chances are- you suck.
3. And finally, if you still cannot determine whether or not you can sing. Please start a prayer circle and ask anyone you know to pray for you. Maybe God will send you a sign- like a permanent case of strep throat. If you're overcome by sudden fits of coughing every time you break out in you rendition of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" take heed to the signs because God is talking to you.
I hope this three step plan will help you before you take the big step of auditioning for American Idol and embarrassing yourself and the entire family. Good luck and Godspeed.
Sincerely,
Ms. P. Solver.
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